I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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