I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
