Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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