Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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