Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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