I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
