none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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