she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
