Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
