im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
