Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
