Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
