fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
