Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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