Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
