Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
