I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
