I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
