Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
