Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
