I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
