she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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