Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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