yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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