Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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