Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
