I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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