Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
