I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
