So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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