And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
