turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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