FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
