Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.