why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Houston, we have a squirter
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
