The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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