Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
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Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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