Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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