just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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