Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
