I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i've created a new STD.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
