U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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