Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
