I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
