I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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