I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
