You kept calling me your small dog last night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
