pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
