i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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