life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
