U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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