i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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