I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
