so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I touched a dick in church today
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
