I just cut my nipple shaving
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
