Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sober January is a disaster.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
