Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize