I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I looked at my own cervix.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
